Yahoo! Sports did a list of the worst Cities to be a sports fan. I am happy to hear that Philadelphia did not show up on this list. In fact Philadelphia teams have done well this decade. Yes, no titles, but lots of playoff appearances. I am happy to say that Philadelphia is not playing big bucks to watching losing teams. They are paying big bucks to see teams that cannot get it don in the playoffs.
I hear about a Sports Illustrated Article about the 100 seasons without a title in Philadelphia. I know this heart break well. I was born just before the golden age of Philadelphia Sports. From 1974 to 1983 Philadelphia was a great sports town. They won 4 titles and made bunch of trips to the finals. when I was young I thought it would always be that way. Little did I know that those four titles were more than half the pro sports titles the city had in 100 years of pro sports. Now with another 25 years passing we have not added any titles. I only count the four major sports leagues. Those Indoor lacrosse, arena football, and Minor league hockey titles don't mean anything to me.
The rest of the four sport cities have one a title since we have. You can checkout The other four sport cities
The story has a list of Philadelphia Sports events that have happened in those 100 seasons.
61. This is the worst free agent signing in the history of sports. 26. Wondered what the NFL was thinking by letting this game be played. 24. Knew 2005 would not be the Eagles year 9. Knew that they were not going to win with Barkley and hoped he would get a title with the Suns 8. Gave up on the Eagles Season 6. Drank silly with my friends Eric and Darcey 5. My heart sank as I knew the Sixers were not going to win. 4. I saw for 15 minutes in a room with 30 eagles fans and no one made a sound. At that end of those 15 minutes I had to keep a man from beating up a person who made fun of us for sitting in the dark. 2. I Cried in my car as I watched in through a bay window and listened on the radio 1. I broke a deck furniture with a friend
With all these heart breaks, you might wonder why I stay loyal to my teams. You might ask why I would keep watching if they are going to break my heart. There are a lot of reasons. One of the reasons is because the good moments are so go, it makes easy to put up with the bad moments.
One of the moments that gives me home is the Willie Burton 53 point game for the Sixers. There is a great write up about the game on the Don't Ever Give Up Basketball blog, You need so scroll down to the bottom. This guy who could kindly be described as a journeyman did something that is reserved for NBA royalty. A guy who is a footnote in NBA history holds the single game scoring record for the Spectrum, a record he took from Michael Jordan. That is one of those moments that keeps me believing.
It has been announced that Philadelphia is shutting down it's City Wide wi-fi service. It looks like the idea of public-private municpal wi-fi partnerships did not work. This was the hot idea a few years ago. In 2005 CNet asked "Philadelphia is venturing into the Wi-Fi frontier and liking what it sees. The big question is, will it feel the same way two years from now?" The answer seems to be no.
I talked to someone who used to worked for Earthnet about this. He said that many of these projects were doomed from the start. Many times the cities did not have the rights to let Wi-Fi providers to put antennas where they wanted to. The companies would need multiple approvals to put antennas on the tops of street lights, traffic lights, and phone poles. They could not compete with the money cell phone companies pay private building owners.
I am not sad to see public Wi-Fi go away. I really saw it as a bad idea for the competitive nature of internet service. When I worked for TiVo I worried that people would not be able to get their box hooked up to the internet with these services.
I bet this idea comes back with a future set of wireless technology.
The Phillies did it. They lost their 10,000 game all time. It only took a 124 years to get here. That is 124 in one city. The Giants have over 10,000 wins, but that is split between San Francisco and New York. The Phillies have all their losses as a Philadelphia team.
What does 10,000 loses mean. It means the Phillies have been around for a long time. It means there have been a lot of broken dreams. It means that the city has stuck by the team all that time. It means good years and bad, fans have found a reason to believe. Fans keep on finding a reason to come back to the Phillies
The Phillies only have 8811 wins all time. For they Phillies to get back to .500 all time they would have to go on a winning streak until September 2014. If the team has 100 win seasons, 100 wins being the gold standard for good baseball times, until the team reached .500 it would take almost 30 years. It will be a few years before any other team gets 10,000.
The number 10,000 is a number the fans can be proud about. The only people I know who have a link to all 10,000 loses are people who have grandsons of fans.
Ed Deal, a Phillies game-day employee, said it best: “The Phillies are my grandfather’s team, my father’s team, my team, my sons’ team and my grandchildren’s team.”
That, my friends, is Phillies baseball.
I think that Phillies fans should celebrate 10,000. If I was in Philadelphia I would have tried to be at the game.
I left Philadelphia. I left the area I grew up in. Part of my heart are still back there. It would be easy for some to latch onto another team. Not me, the Phillies are my team, 10,000 losses or not.
There is a current race in Major League Baseball Records. Will the Barry Bonds get to 756 home runs to break Hank Aaron's career mark before the Phillies get to 10000 losses. Right now Barry Bonds has 748 home runs and the Phillies have 9990 losses. This is the most in the history of professional team sports.
I am hoping that the Phillies get to 10000 losses first. I have been asked by some people how could I celebrate this? How can I celebrate being a fan of a team with so many losses? Sports are about winning. How can I be happy about how many time the Phillies have loss?
In the end, this is a very Philadelphia thing. Bad things don't happen because sports teams lose games. The crime rate in Philadelphia would not be any lower if the Phillies only had 8300 loses. The city would not be any nicer if the Phillies was 28 World Series. The schools would not be better if the Phillies had won 13 divisions in a row. In the end baseball is still a game. I love baseball, but it is not curing cancer.
The A's, who are currently in Oakland and still better than the Phillies, where the good Philadelphia team for the first half of the 20th century. They were the team that won 9 Pennants and 5 world series while the Phillies where dwelling the the cellar and racking up more 100 loss seasons (13) that willing seasons (11). Yet is was still the A's that pulled out of Philadelphia for a city of their own.
I do wonder if I and Philadelphia would have been different if the Phillies left and the A's would have stayed in Philadelphia. I wonder if I would have been an American league fan. I wonder what it would have been like for the Philadelphia team to be beaten by the Yankees all the time. I know this is an impossible question, but I think things would have been different.
I know some Phillies fans who are proud of 10,000 losses. It is not that we are proud that our team are losers. We are proud that the Phillies are still our team. We did not have to seal them from another city and they never left us. They have always been a Philadelphia team. Bad season after bad season we have been willing to come out and see them play. We cheer for the good times and boo for the bad times.
As a Phillies fan the team has broken my heart more times than I can count. In 1993 I sat in my car and cried when Mitch Williams gave up that home run to Joe Carter. But that 1993 season was the most fun I ever had as a baseball fan. If the Phillies won all the time, that season would not have been as fun. Every coach in the world will say that you learn more from losing that from winning. I think that is the reason that some people what to celebrate 10,000 losses.
In the end the Phillies are Philadelphia. We love the team 10,000 losses and much fewer wins, the same way we love the city. Philadelphia is not New York, Los Angeles, or San Francisco, but it would not want to be any of those places. There is something about the Phillies and their 10,000 losses that fits well into the history of the city they call home.
It seems like there are eagles in Philadelphia currently. I am talking about actual bald eagles not just a football team. I knew the bald eagle was really on its way back, but I did not know it was coming this far back. I wonder what will happen if Eagles start making a home in old urban development. It that a good enough reason to not redevelop the shipyard?
I have been back at my parents house long enough for it to feel like I have been here a long time, yet there are a whole bunch of things I did not get done. I did not take many pictures while I was here. I would have loved to go out and photography Christmas decorations. I just did not find to the to do it. There are lots of things that I wish I could have done.
On the other hand I feel like I have been away from work forever. I am hoping things have been smooth when I have been away from the office. My guess is that they have been, but you never know. I do not want to be too buried in work when I get back.
It was good to see my family. it is a same that I only see them once or twice a year. I do not see that changing as long as I live in San Jose. It is hard for me to travel to see them and harder for them to travel to see me.
I did not spend much time in Philadelphia on this trip. It would have been nice to get into the city more. I just ended up staying out in the suburbs. I had so many little family events I just did not have the time to get away for a long enough time.
The hard part is being away from my own bed. I am happy to be sleeping in the guess bed at my parents' house, but it is still not my bed. I often find myself almost falling out of it. It has been a long time since I would rather sleep away from my home.
I am looking to get back to San Jose. As much as I like this area, I still have a home of my own to get back to.
I went to see Invincible. As soon as I heard about this movie I knew that I had to go see it. A feel good story about the Philadelphia Eagles, I was a mark for this movie from the very start. I have had a trend lately if I am not willing to see a movie the first weekend it is out, I am not willing to see the movie.
If you have not heard of the movie, it is the story of Vince Papale a thirty year old Philadelphia Eagles fan who made the team as part of an open try out in 1976. He ends up becoming one of the NFLs oldest rookie.
I was surprised at how good this movie was. The movie was wonderfully acted and amazing shot. The script was a little weak, but the way the movie was put together more than made up for it. There is a lot to like about this movie.
Working as both the director and the cinematographer Ericson Core created a wonderful set of worlds for this movie to take place in. Every setting in this movie has its own distinct look to it. The scenes in South Philadephia are dark and depressed. While all the scenes at football camp are bright. They shot the street scenes in Philadelphia. They really capture the tight cramped felling of South Philadelphia.
I was amazed then they showed the first actually NFL game Vince Papale played in. The depth of focus was very short. With all of the action in the shots it was every anxious. It was great that it looked so much different than the other scenes.
I was impressed by the acting. Vince's Friends were perfectly cast. They seem like guys really from South Philadelphia. Max's bar seems just right for South Philadelphia. All of the people around Vince seem to be falling apart under the economic problems of the time. Vince's life is not on stable ground also. I like the way the actors expressed this.
I love the acting of Kevin Conway as Frank Papale, Vince's father. It rung as very true to me. The guy who is close and distant from his son all at the same time. I feel like I know that guy. I love the scene when the father comes into the bar with his group of friends.
Since the movie is based on a true story, they do not over state how good Vince Papale is. He is just a special teams player. He did not need to be the Natural. He did not need to win the Super Bowl for the team. He just scored a touchdown to get Dick Vermeil his first win.
I was looking forward to it for months now. I saw an interview about the movie a few months ago. Mark Wahlberg, who plays Vince Papale, said that movie was passion for him. I think Mark Wahlberg is perfect for this movie. His journey to stardom is no less unbelievable than this movie.
Even if you don't like sports movies you might like this movie.
I have been thinking about place a lot lately. On Saturday one of my sisters asked if I was ever planning to move back to the area. The first thing out of my Mother's mouth was "he does not want to live here." Up to this point of the day I had been talking to my mother about my life and my friends in San Jose. This must have been the impression she got from me. The conversation changed to another topic quickly, but that comment stuck in my head.
Last night a friend asked me if I would move back. I know she wants me to move back. She said that when she got back to Philly, she missed some of her old friends. She keeps on telling me that she would love to see me move back to Philadelphia. I told here there are three things she could do to get me to move back to Philadelphia.
1. Find me a job that I cannot refuse. 2. Set me up a woman for me to fall in love with. 3. Give me the winning lottery numbers.
There is a very high standard for number one. I really like my company. I worry that I would not be able to find a job I like in Philadelphia. I know that I never had a job as good as my job now when I lived back here. That was more then six years ago.
I think that number 3 might be easier then number 2. My friend did not say that she would be up to any of the three. I am not holding my breath.
I know I have lots of friends who have plans to escape Silicon Valley. They talk that they want to live someplace else. There are things about Silicon Valley, like the housing market, that drive my friends crazy. I have said for a long time that once my friends start leaving San Jose I might have to think about my plans.
Right now I do not know what I feel about here v. there. There is something I just love about Philadelphia. My family is here, I still have friends here, and the area is special to me. The problem is that the area might be special because I do not live here all the time.
On the other hand I like the life I have build for myself in San Jose. I work for a company I love. I have a nice circle of friends. I have met lots of new people out there. It might not be perfect, but it is something I build. That means something to me.
I am not sure how these ideas change with my father being sick. I do not know how things change going forward with his recovery. I am not sure if the draw of my family will grow because of that. I guess I will find out as time passes.
After my birthday dinner I went into the city to hang out with Cathy. She was DJ'ing at the 700 Club. The bar is two floors and the DJs were on the second floor. The bar is an old row home. The second floor has a house hold decor. The Bar looks like a residential kitchen and the DJ station is tiled like a bathroom.
After Cathy was done DJ'ing, we decided to drive down to Atlantic City. This might not have been the smartest movie. Cathy was a little too tried to enjoy this. When we got down to AC, it was a little cold and windy. We were only there a few minutes before we decide to leave. At least I got the chance to see the Atlantic ocean. On the drive back we were singing along with the radio so we could stay away. Cathy was amazed at how well she remember lyrics to Bryan Adams songs.
When we got back to Cathy's apartment we spent most of the day sleeping. I was good after only a couple of hours, but I knew Cathy was more rundown the I was. It is usually easy for me to go with only a couple of hours of sleep when I am on vacation. I did not disturb her into the afternoon.
We decided to go shopping. Cathy wanted to pick up another DJ CD player. The DJ store was pretty cool. I love all the toys there. I wish I had more money or a reason to buy some of that stuff. I like the CD players that you can cue like a turn table.
After that we went to a record shop. I always bitch about how there are no good record stores in San Jose. I wanted to take advantage of one while I was in Philadelphia. We when to one on North Second street. It was not there when I lived in Philadelphia. I forget the name of it. I had to keep myself from just buying everything I picked up. It was tempting, but I did not want to spend that much money.
After that we met up with some people for dinner. It most of the Philadelphia connection from the End of Summer Party. I have not seen them in a long time. I had a great time just sitting around, eating, and talking with them. It seemed like I intently reconnected with them.
After dinner some of us went for coffee. I got to talk to Angela a bit more. I realized how much I would like to get to know her again. She is just as funny as she used to be, but she seems much more grown up and confident in herself. We sat around the coffee house until it closed. It was like we did not want the night to end. I do not know when I will get to hang out with these people again. It was a very good birthday adventure in Philadelphia.
I am always bitching about how there are no good record stores in San Jose. I thought I should buy some CDs while I was in Philadelphia. I bought more CDs on this trip, then I did in the past six months (excluding my trip to Portland). I only seem to buy CDs when I am out of town.
Positives Direct flight from SFO to PHL Seat next to me was open No one around me was really rude
Negatives Kevin Cosner movie infight Had to use the Air Sick bag Would not give me the whole can of apple juice
The flight from San Francisco was not too bad. It took me no time at all to get though security in San Francisco. I was sitting in SFO for longer then two hours before we boarded. There seems to be no energy in airports anymore. Everyone is walking on egg shells. I used to love to just watch people in airports. Those same people do not seem exciting anymore. They are not as open with their actions.
The flight itself was not too bad. I have never been on a six hour flight before. It was nice to fly directly from the San Francisco to Phildelphia. It cuts off all that time landing and switching planes. The odd thing is that my body started to rebel after about 5 hours in the air. I just felt horrible for that last hour. The last 30 minutes or so I had the sick back at the ready.
Getting picked up at the airport is also a strange experience now. They have moved the parking so far away, few people park for arrivals. Most of them just circle the arrivals terminal. It is strange to watch people do this. It is like no one has any practice doing it. Cops had to be out there directing traffic.
My flight was early, so I had to wait for my sister. The flight being a half hour early did not do me any good. I stood waiting for my sister for almost that long. I miss the days of people waiting at the gate to greet me.
After dinner, my sister and I went out for water ice. I have been jonesing for water ice for a week now. There is the chain the the Philadelphia are called Rita's. They make the best water ice. Most of my friends in San Jose do not know what water ice is. The best way I can explain is it like a Slurpee that you need a spoon for. It is one of those little things that I have been missing.
I have been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with a woman while I was in Philadelphia. The conversation was complex and had its roots in ideas that have been kicking around for a long time. I want to try to write something that will explain as much as I can. I think it is important for me to do this. It will help me in the long run.
There is a woman who I am very close with. Anyone knows me would know who she is, but I will leave her name off this entry for search engine reasons. I have known this woman for a long time. I will refer to her as the Unnamed Woman. She is one of my closest friends. There has always been a special connection between us, but never anything romantic. Shortly after I met her, I developed a crush on her. She was always dating someone, so I never got a chance to express that crush. By the time I said anything she was falling into a serous relationship.
The Unnamed Woman’s relationship lasted several years. By the time that relationship ended we lived a couple hundred miles away from each other. We were still close, but never in the same city. She had a couple more relationships after that, but they all seemed to fall apart because of something. By the time she had moved back to Philadelphia, I had already made my escape to the West Coast.
I had not thought much about the Unnamed Woman romantically for a while. She had visited me with her boyfriend in 2000. The guy seemed nice so was easy for me to shelf any feelings I might have had for her. Shortly after their visit to San Jose she broke up with her boyfriend.
In November of 2000 I was sitting in a bar in Indianapolis. I was on a business trip with a co-worker who was not happy about her job. We passed the time be talking about a lot of different things. We talked a lot about relationships. There were a number of women in the office that I was interested in. We talked about whom I found attractive. I had the feeling I had no shot with these women.
I said that I have always had the feeling that if a woman had the chance to see the true me and really connect with me, my weight would not be an issue. A woman who knew my heart would be able to see how much love I have to give.
The moment these words came out of my mouth, I knew it was a lie. The Unnamed Woman knew me as well as about anyone. She knew what was in my heard. She had seen me at my best. I thought that it was still my weight that kept us from having a relationship.
At that very moment I was angry. It was a deep and encompassing anger. I was angry with the Unnamed Woman and with myself. I was angry with her because of all the horrible men she had dated. I would keep on hearing about these men. It was almost like she was in a pattern of self-destruction. I was always there but she would rather destroy herself.
I was also angry with myself. I had let myself believe a lie. I had hoped to find a woman that could look past my body. I was hoping to find this even though I not found one for a long time. Even the woman who knows me the best could not do this. How could I hope that any other woman would be able to do this?
I carried this around with me. I saw the Unnamed Woman a few weeks later, but I did not say anything to her. I did not think it would be fair to her. I felt like I would be ambushing her. It was not clear in my head how I felt about all these things. I wanted a better idea before I said anything to her.
It is hard to talk about these things when you live in a different city then the woman. I did not want to do it in a letter. I wanted some idea of her direct reaction to my ideas. The phone is not the right place to tell her. I want her to be able to look into my eyes as I tell her. It is hard to tell them when you are on a visit. You have the chance to ruin the whole visit. It is really hard when your visits are only near holidays. You could be the person that ruins the holiday.
I did not say anything and I carried it with me. It kept on bumping around in the back of my head. I talked to some of my friends about this. I had decided that I really did not want to tell her over the phone. I figured I had to tell her sometime. If I did not I would be lying to her. It is never good to lie to your close friends.
One of my friends asked me to figure out what I am trying to achieve by telling the Unnamed Woman what I felt. He wanted me to make sure I was not doing it to just lash out at her. It took me a long time to figure this out. I am not sure I figured it out, but I knew I was not doing it out of anger.
I had decided that I was not going to do it on the phone, unless I had to. When I say I have to, I mean that if I did not tell her I would be lying to her. From time to time she will ask me what I am thinking or how I am feeling. I wanted to tell her the truth instead of making something up.
It was near the end of the summer by this time. The Unnamed Woman had a few bad relationships during the year. It hurt me to see her do self-destructive things. It hurt me to see her freak out over guys. Whenever she would tell me something like that I want to tell her to just relax.
I was not feeling all that good at about this time. I was feeling isolated and alone. I felt like San Jose was a bit of a trap. All of my friends out here were busy with other things. I felt like there was no one for me to hang out with. I was calling Unnamed Woman just about every week. We would talk on the phone for a few hours. It felt good to talk to her. She was someone who was always happy to hear from me.
One week she asked me if there was anything wrong. She pointed out that I had been calling every week. In the past we had not talked that much. I talked to her about different things that where bothering me. I forget what she said, but she probed a little deeper. At this point I told her what was on my mind. I remember that she was a little shocked when I told her.
That night we talked a lot. I have to admit that I don’t remember everything that was said. I did not remember everything ten minutes after the call was over. The gist of the call was that I told the Unnamed Woman that I have some level of feelings for her, but I was confused. It hurt to see all the heart ache she caused herself. I felt that I had to tell her is because it was something I was carrying around with me.
The Unnamed Woman told me that she had thought about these things before I said anything. She said that on one hand she would not have to put up with all the dating crap if she was with me, but on the other hand maybe it would be a little too safe. Maybe she would be doing just to avoid the hard parts of dating.
For the most part, after that call we did not talk about it again. It was decided that we both needed to think about it for a little while. We both avoided the subject. I had decided that I was not going to bring it up until I saw her face to face. I thought that would be the best way to handle it.
There was a point at the end of October when I thought I might get laid off. I talked to the unnamed woman about my options. She told me that she did not think it would be good for me to move further away from home. The Unnamed Woman said I should think about moving closer to my family and her. I wondered if she was trying to tell me anything. Was I reading too much into this or was she sending me messages.
I hung out with the Unnamed Woman over Christmas. These ideas where really burning in my head. I had to talk to her about them. I was thinking about them so much that I felt like I was keeping another secret from her.
We hung out on Saturday afternoon. My plan was to talk to her about these things at about 4 PM. I could not say anything until 5 PM because I had to work up the courage to say anything. I knew she was not going to laugh in my face, but there was a big part of me that did not want to ask because I thought the results might be harsh.
A friend told me to make sure I know what my objectives are before I say anything. He told me if I go in just saying it to say it or if I do not know why I am saying it, I have a good chance of coming off as a prick. That was not my objective at all. I had thought long and hard about why I was saying it and what I was trying to achieve.
I had three questions for the Unnamed Woman.
What could I expect if I moved back to Philadelphia?
Could she ever see herself dating me?
What was in her mind about all this?
We talked for about an hour. I will tell you now that I do not remember everything that was said. The conversation was about her feeling and my feeling on the topic. While I do not remember every word that was said, I have a pretty good feeling that I understand what we both communicated.
The Unnamed Woman seemed to be a little worried about the whole thing. She had the basic feeling that a relationship between the two of us would be unhealthy. She is worried that we only think about this when there is no one else in our lives. She was worried that we were just safety blankets for each other. If I moved Back to Philadelphia I would use her so I did not need to meet other people.
She was also worried that she would be my first serous relationship. I have not had any kind of real romantic relationship since college. She does not think she is the right person to have a first serous relationship with. She said that it would be a huge responsibility. Somewhere in my head I was feeling that it would be unfair to her because she would be my first serous relationship.
The Unnamed Woman was also worried what the relationship would be like. She would feel bad if there were no spark there. She had a big question of passion. I told her that thought my whole life I feel that I have to keep my passion under control. I have never been in a position where I could let my passion free. I know that I have always had to control it in terms of her.
I told the Unnamed Woman that I am just as confused as she is. I know that I connect with her really well. I know that I think about her all the time. I know that the day that I felt the world might have ended, she was the first person I thought about. I wondered if she was okay and if I would ever see her again.
There is part of me that says that all of her resistance to this is a good thing. I admit that I might be doing this because I am lonely and I know few females in San Jose. I might be doing this because every other female I know has pushed me to a distance. If any of these things were my true motivation, my relationship with the Unnamed Woman would be a disaster.
She had answered my three questions.
What could I expect if I moved back to Philadelphia? Expect nothing
Could she ever see herself dating me? Probably not
What was in her mind about all this?
A mind full of worry Bonus Answer: Don’t look for deeper meaning in what she says.
What do I do now? That is my currently question. I have to do more then just move on from this idea. I feel that I need to empty my heart the same way a Buddhist empties himself of desire. If I empty my heard I will be able to see the world more clearly. Once I do that I can understand everything around me better.
On Sunday I hung out with Cathy, Chris, and Steve. Cathy described that day pretty well on her Live Journal. We spent a couple of hours doing her radio show. It was surreal on some level.
After the radio show we sung karaoke. Cathy has been telling me about this karaoke night for a long time. She loves going to this place and she wanted to show us why. Cathy knows that I have a history with karaoke. When I was 23, right out of college, I used to hang out at a karaoke bar all the time. She had heard lots of story of bad songs. I once suggested that a karaoke wedding reception would be a good idea. She knows that I would be at that bar every week if I lived in Philadelphia.
She described it in her Live Journal, but I cannot figure out how to link to specific entries. I decided to take this right from her page. Just remember that "I" refers to Cathy. I do not back up dance.
Peter did "Detachable Penis"
Steve did a bunch of old country stuff, like Hank Williams, and "Blue Suede Shoes"
Rich introduced the crowd to his "everything is sung like Tom Waits" stylings, taking on The Carpenters and Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died"
I did my best ever effort on "Mr. Roboto" and "My Sharona", rocking out, doing the robot and the Molly Ringwald dance.
Some new songs were done. Trishy debuted her version of Olivia Newton John's "Physical". Elisa took on The Spinners' "I'll Be Around".
I did more backup dancing duty.
Strangely Joe H., the DJ, struck up two conversations with me, and I got a hug at the end of the night. He definitely seemed in the holiday spirit.
The best moment of the night was when a large group of us got up and performed "Do They Know It's Christmas?" ala Band Aid.
Cathy left out that I sang Your Cheatin' Heart. I like that song because anyone can sound like a hillbilly. The group singing "Do They Know It's Christmas?" was great.
We had a great time on Sunday. It was the kind of night that I really look forward to having when I go back home. It had the kind of energy that nothing else mattered but having a good time right then.
Before I left for vacation I felt that I was only going to be home for a couple of days. I felt like I was not going to get time to do much. I knew that I would not get the chance to hang out with all my friends. I felt bad for not being able to take more days off. I am hoarding vacation to use it next year. I could have taken more days, but I want to save all that time for a big trip.
Now that I am back in San Jose, it feels like it was a long vacation. I look back on my flight to Philadelphia and it seems like more then a weeks time has past. Between seeing my family and hanging out with friends, it seems like a lot more then one week has past. I think that I got a lot of what I wanted out of this vacation. A big chunk of that was catching up with people. I wanted to make sure I renewed friendships with people I do not see all the time.
Before I left I wrote about how I felt that this trip would either cure my homesickness or make me what to go back even more. I can say today that my trip has cured my homesickness. I feel that I am good for some time longer in San Jose. Like my last trip back to Philadelphia, I realized that I am not ready to move back yet. I do not think I am done in San Jose either. I feel that I have to spend more time in San Jose before I decide to move on.
There is a list of things that I learned.
1. Home is always a more complicated idea then expected. Before going back to Philadelphia I was not thinking about all the complicated issues that I faced there. It is like those issues are out of sight, out of mind. There are issues with family and friends that I do not face being on the other side of the country. If I moved back there I would have to deal with these issues more often.
2. I think I could live in Philadelphia in the future. I drove around the city with an eye on what I like in Cities. I think that I could live in a city like that. There are currently a lot of nice areas in the city. There are lots of parts of the city where I can live a very urban life. I can see why Cathy likes living there. Philadelphia has a lot of different identities for the people there. I think it has more personalty then San Jose.
3. There are still things I need to learn about myself. I moved out west for a lot of different reasons. One of them was to learn more about myself. I think there are still some things that I need to learn about myself. I think that I want to learn these things before I move. I think I have to understand more about how I feel about relationships, work, and living before I move back to Philadelphia. If I do not learn these things I could make mistakes.
4. Don't let turning 30 freak me out. I am turning 30 next year. I think it has been freaking me out a little. I think that I have been putting pressure on myself because of turning 30. I was upset that my life is undefined in places. I think that worrying about it is not making my life any better defined. I have to let these things develop at there own speed. I should not worry about the time that is taken. It is only time.
I apologize if some of these things are vague. There are things that happened that I cannot really write about in such an open place. These things are effecting my outlook. I am not sure I can give more detail without airing dirty laundry.
I will be writing more about this trip. There are a lot of specific things that I can write about. I just do not have the time to write about them right now. I know the next couple of days will be spend writing about things that happened when I was visiting home. I hope I do not forget about any before I get the chance to write about them.
Right now I am sitting at Cathy's Radio show. She is doing a Christmas show. We have been doing little skits for the songs that are not Christmas Songs. We played Pacman Fever, Ain't Nothing Going to Break My Stride, and The Dream Police to name a few songs. This is something that I would not have done if I was in San Jose right now.
The last company that I worked for before I left the Philadelphia area was Ficomp, Inc. In many ways working at that job helped me figure out that I wanted to leave town. I was an accounts receivable clerk there. It was really a futureless job. I could have stayed in the same position for 30 years and no one would have noticed.
I went back there today to have lunch with a friend who is still working there. The company has grown and there are some new faces there. What surprises me are the things that have not changed. A lot of the people I worked with are still there. Most of them are still working in the same jobs. Some of those people are having the same conversations they had three years ago.
When I go back to that building I am so happy that I left for the west coast. I have no doubt if I was still at Ficomp I would be more unhappy that I can even think about right now. I think about the idea of working for this company again and it makes me want to gag. I know if I hit hard times and I was back in the Philadelphia area, I would have to think about asking for a job there. This is an idea that scares me.
I think I am done visiting Ficomp when I come home to visit my family. I will still try to visit my friend who works there, but I do not want to keep on visiting the office. I think I have it out of my system now. I do not think I need to network with these people any more. It is time for me to break with this part of my pass.
Welcome to Portland Day! It was three years ago that I arrived in Portland. It was my big move from Philadelphia to the West Coast. The trip took me eight days with a couple stops along the way. When I got to Portland I went to Riverfront Park and threw my key chain in the river. I took my keys car keys off it first. My parent's house keys are somewhere at the bottom of the Willamette River. I confider Portland Day to be my own private holiday.
I am a person who thinks it is important to celebrate anniversary's. It is a good way to remind ourselves how quickly time passes. I think that we miss the passage of time if we are careful. I am always amazed at swiftly the world around me changes. From my point of view it seems like nothing changes. I need to slow down and look around to see those changes.
It is hard for me to tell the people around me here in Silicon Valley why today is important to me. It was a huge jump when I moved to Portland. I was moving to a city where I did not know anyone, did not have a job, and did not have a place to stay. I was just going to take a chance that I would be able to find something. I was shedding all the comforts of Warminster to look for adventure.
The people that know me now did not know me then. When I was still in Warminster my life was going nowhere. I was working a job I hated. I was working for a company that offered me no future. All of my really close friends had already moved on to other cities. There was nothing tying me to that area anymore. I knew that I had to leave that town.
I packed up everything that I owned and moved to the West Coast. It is now three years later and I am still here. I can say that the move was successful. I was able to find a job. I found jobs that I could build one on top of another. I have been able to build some kind of life. It is not the live that I pictured in my dreams, but it is not my worst nightmares either.
For the last couple of days I have been e-mailing some of the people I knew in Portland. One of them told me I should move back there. There is something about Portland that still holds a place in my heart. I often find myself missing that city. I miss the things I could do while I was there. I miss the things I could do with my time and the places I could go.
If I had to move back to Philadelphia, I would not be defeated. My tail would not be between my legs as I made my way back. Part of me would like to find a way to really move back Philadelphia. I miss my family and friends. I miss a lot of little things about the area.
I do not know where I will be this time next year. I might be here in San Jose in the same job, in the same apartment I sit in right now. I might have fled San Jose for another city. I might be back in Philadelphia trying to figure out the next direction my life might take. The world is still a wide open place. I can only guess what the next year has for me.
My company had layoffs today. There are so many things in my head right now, I think it would take all night to get them out. My head is think with emotion, reaction, detail, and evaluation. I might even get a full week of web logs out of the layoff. I know that I was not ready for this to happen. I just thought my company would keep on going. I should try to be smarter next time.
At the start of the day I knew what was going on. I knew that people were being laid off. The hard part was that I did not know who was going to be laid off. The morning went very slowly. I had to wait for my boss to tell me what was going on. My boss had told me that he was being laid off. I had to still wait to find out what my fate would be.
There have been two rounds of layoffs at my job. Both times my boss has been let go. I guess being my boss is a bad position to have. Both times I have had some problems with my boss. It is at the moments when layoffs are happening when you find out what kind of person your boss is. I will say that both of my former bosses are good men. Sometime it takes some distance to see this.
I just sat at my desk and waited to see what would happen. I felt like jumping up and down, but I just had to sit there. I was afraid that if I walked over to someone else's desk, I would miss the call from my boss. That would mean I would fall to the bottom of the list. I would have to wait to find out my fate.
I had already run over all my options in my head. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do if I got the ax. In my head I had four options. Three of the options are practical. One of the options makes me laugh like a madman when I think of it. Each of these options have their pluses and minuses. I was trying to see all my angles without knowing what was going to happen to me.
Option 1: Stay in San Jose and look for a job.
Positives: I do not have to move. That saves me time and money. The pay is still good here. I have some people here to network with. There are people in Silicon Valley that know that I am a good worker.
Negatives: It is expensive to live here. I would not have a long time before my money ran out. There are a lot of people out of work in the valley right now. Not many companies are hiring. I know people that looked for a long time before they found anything
Option 2: Move to a city where one of my friend is currently living and crash with them.
Positives: It would give me a chance to move to a new city and learn it. I could be closer to one of my old friends. I would be able to brake away from San Jose.
Negatives: I would have to count on the generosity of my friends to accomplish this. I might wear that out quickly. I do not have a good idea of what the job situations are like in these cities.
Option 3: Move back in with my parents.
Positives: I would have a good support network if I moved back to Philadelphia. There are a lot of people in Philadelphia that I know. I would be close to my family again. I could reconnect with some of my old friends. One of those friends might help me find a job.
Negatives: There would be some level of defeat here. I would not be returning to Philadelphia on my own terms. It would be my unemployment that would force me to go back there.
Option 4: Move back to Portland
Positives and Negatives: This is the one that makes me laugh like a madman. On one hand moving to San Jose would have been just an interruption. I would go back to the status I had before I moved down here. On the other hand I miss Portland and I still think it is a cool place to live.
My boss called me into his cubical. He said to me, "don't worry, you are not affected." I still sat and talked to him for about 20 minutes. We talked about my job and how he thought I did a good job. He told me that he was happy that he worked with me and my group. He said that it is a small valley and he would be back on his feet in no time. I should keep in touch with him. I am not worried about my boss finding another job.
It was another hour before John, a guy in my department found out that he was laid off. John had been working in the customer support group for a long time. He was the guy who trained me when I was first hired. I know that John was pissed about getting fired. After he found out, I could see the hurt in his eyes. He started to pack up his stuff.
The first round of layoffs where back in April. There were six guys and a manager in my department then. The April layoff cut my group down to three people. We also started to report to the director of customer support. In this layoff we have been cut to two people. Now we are going to report to a new director of customer support.
I have survived two rounds of layoffs. I am still going to be at work tomorrow. There is a part of me that is proud. I am a person that has been picked to stay around twice. I must be doing something right. I consider myself to be a hard worker. I take pride in my work and I want people to see me as the best at what I do.
It is hard to say these things after a layoff. It it hard to take pride in your accomplishments when other people have been let go. I did the "Rocky Dance" at one point in the afternoon. I felt like I was a survivor. I felt like I was going to hold my job together. This is a good feeling, but I feel wrong for having it.
One thing I can say is that I was not prepared to be laid off. I thought my company would go at least until after Christmas before laying people off. I thought that I would have a lot more time before I would have to face this. This makes me think. I do not think that another round is coming anytime soon. I still should start getting ready now. I should align my life so I can react better to being laid off.
For right now I have to see what direction my company moves. I have to see what the plans for the future are. I know that I have some part in those plans. I am also going to relax. Today was stressful enough for a week. I need to just get down to business. I need to get out of my head a little bit and stop thinking so much.
