For the first time I am putting the State Of My Heart Address on my web site. I know that at least one of the women that I write about will read this. I feel that I need to be honest when I write this. I apologies in advance if you are upset about what is written here. I cannot hold back. You can
express your displeasure directly to me.
This is the last St. Valentines of my 20’s. I have drifted through the past year like I have drifted through most of the last decade. Since last Valentines Day I have not had a date, I have not kissed a woman, I have not been romantically close to anyone. It has been a year without much to it.
It is not that I am not interesting in finding a relationship. If I could find someone who was interested in me, I would try to explore that interest. Last spring there was a woman who would flirt with me all the time. I tried to figure out if she was flirting or just trying to be friendly. It took me a short time to find out that she was just trying to be friendly. I am always bad with these kinds of signs. I always tend to over read or under read things. It has been a long time since I have clearly known a woman likes me.
There was another woman who I had a crush on for a long time. It was a distance crush because we worked together. I never want to make things odd at work. Just before she left the company (remember 2001, year of the layoff) I asked her if she would ever want to go on a date. She gave the quick and polite no. Later she send me a message breaking the
Unspoken Language of Women and Men. I felt no loss when she rejected me. Maybe I saw that rejection clearly a long time before that and that is why it was a distance crush.
I spent most of the past year thinking about the
Unnamed Woman. For a long time I did not know what I wanted to tell her. Once I told her something, I waited to see her face to face. I saw her face to face and she did not share my feelings.
It still burns me when I read about her man problems. I tell myself I should not feel that way about her, but it is a hard thing to stop. Part of me thinks she is afraid and she will never know the possibility. I am not sure how look I will feel and think this way. I will tell her when it stops.
It is only a few months until I turn 30. It looks like I am headed there with no woman, no relationship in my life. I can easily see being here next year without having kissed a woman. I have not been close with a woman since I moved out west.
I feel old and getting older. I have pasted the age when my parents meet and married. I have gone almost a decade without a relationship. The last woman who I went on more then a few dates with should be a nun by now, literally. It has been a very long time since I messed up a chance at a relationship. I do not know if I can find a woman who is even interested in me. It feels like I am getting close to a point of no return. I am not sure what will happen when I get to that point.
I feel that I can stand up and say I am the loneliest many on the face of the earth. I know I am alone. Nothing has changed that in a long time. I know there are things about me that push women away. I am just looking for the woman who can look past those things. The problem is I have no idea where to look for this woman.
I am not totally without hope. I might know a single woman or two. If not, there is more to my life then just love. I think about women all the time, but there are other things that consume my life also.
Labels: 2002, love, self, St. Valentines Day, State of my Heart Address
