I act as if I am immortal. I flirt with an odd kind of danger. The danger of a ticking clock. In some ways, it is the worst kind of danger I can deal with.
When I say I act as if I am immortal, I do not mean that I do really stupid things. I do not drive at 100 mph, do large piles of drugs, or throw my body off builds hoping my parachute opens. When I say I act as if I am immortal, I mean that I waste way too much of my own time. I act as if my clock will never run out and I have an unlimited amount of time to get things done in my life.
There are a million things that I want to. My brain is overflowing with ideas. I feel that there is a whole world of things that I could accomplish. I still do none of these thing. I let time pass like it is never going to run out. I tell myself that there will be more time for me to do everything else later.
I guess there is a weird perception thing going on here. As long as I have been alive I have been able to procrastinate. Most of the time there have been no real consequences. I have been able to finesse my way out of all those situations. Since I do not see the end of my own life, I am not worried about time running out on me.
The other hard thing is that I am the only person that cares if I do these things or not. If I never write a novel, no one will be ashamed of me. If I never clean my apartment no one will get on my case. I am the only person that cares, so my deadlines just keep on slipping. I will start this projects some other time. I will work on them when I have more energy. I will be able to focus when I am not so tied up in work. I keep on telling myself these things.
I know that time in the most precious thing in the world. I treat it like the clock will never run out. I waste my time in ways that would make other people sick. I still find new ways to numb myself to the passage of that time. I keep on telling myself that these moments will never come back after I waste them. That still does not stop me.
I write this entry because I am really scared. I am scared I am just going to late my life waste away in front of me. I am scared because I cannot find what it will take for me to get off my ass and do these things. I hope that I do not lose this battle. I hope I get going before time runs out.
Labels: health, life
