I am going back to Philadelphia for Christmas. I am taking my girlfriend back to meet my parents. It should be one hell of a trip. I am looking forward to Kate meeting everyone and everyone meeting Kate. I am a little stressed because there is a lot of planning and I am not close to the planning. I am just hoping it will be a good trip.
It will be good to see my parents. I think they will like Kate.
My blog is really falling behind right now. I spent a week on vacation with my sister Kathy. We spent a week kicking around anywhere from Point Reyes to Lone Cypress. It included lots of baseball and lot of driving. It was a fun week, but I did not get much blogging done that week.
I have spent much of this week recovering from my vacation. Attending to all those things you cannot attend to while you have a house guest. On top of that I have to catch up at the office. Neither of those things put me in the mood to blog.
Of course in my wisdom I have plans for vacation next week also. That will give me another week where I have much better things to do that blog. I might be able to get an entry or two done, but it is not the kind of vacation that will give me much time to rest.
I guess I am just giving my readers a the reasons my blog is a little under published this month. I hope not to many people will care.
Being here for Christmas is very relaxing. Whenever I stay in San Jose for Christmas there is always something missing. It just never feels like Christmas. It might be because I have a family in San Jose. After 7 years, I have a network of friends, but no real family. When I am here I have family around. Even with the drama that every family has, it is still a good time.
It is also good because I am not at the office. I have not had to deal with one work issue or read one work e-mail. That is pretty nice. I know this means that I will buried when I get back. It is nice to not have to deal with work while I am here.
My brother gave me a call last night. He was getting ready for a boy scout outing with my nephew this weekend. My brother is the acting scout master for his son's troop. He called because he was thinking of me and our scouting days.
My brother is four years older than I am. When he graduated from our boy scout troop our troop went down hill. The scouts who were about my age never grew into a leadership roll. None of us really cared about becoming eagle scouts. We enjoyed hanging out with each other. When we could do that outside of the context of boy scouts, being boy scouts become less important.
Looking back at things I think my laziness let down other scouts. I really did not want to be a leader. I wanted other people to take care of things. I did not want to organize trip or set up summer camp. In part I was worried that where I lead, no one would follow.
Looking back I think that a good troop needs to have a core of senior scouts who want to be Eagle Scouts. We had this when I was junior scout. We did not have this when I was supposed to be one of the leaders of the troop. I think that scouts that want to be eagle scouts need to learn to lead to achieve their goal.
If there are any former or current scouts out there, tell me what you think. My idea on scouting have about 20 years of rust on them. I could have this totally wrong.
Last week I was talking with Cool Eric about home. He just got back from visiting his family in central Pennsylvania. His most of his extended family is all in one area. They all live within a day drive or Redding. He feels like he is expected to move back there. He feels like the east coast is calling him. He wants to be close to his family, but he feels some conflict because of this.
Many of my friends from the East Coast have told me that their parents expect them to move back there. They are all about my age and have come out here to find their way in the world. There family understands that, but they are still wondering when they are going to come back.
To me, it does not really matter to me what my sisters think. They can think that I should move back, but they have no say in the matter. I understand that they miss me, but they are not responsible for me. They cannot help me make my life. I am jealous that they get to hang out with each other so much, but that is just the cost of living out west.
The only people that I really care what they think is my parents. I feel that I have a strong connection with them. My mother thinks I have to make the world for myself. They do not need me to live close to them to be close to them. This makes me feel good. I think that my relationship with my father is as good as it ever was.
I am not sure where I will end up. I might stay in San Jose or end up in another city. One idea I have is to live in a row home in Philadelphia. I might find my way back here. I might go on to a whole other city.
Family
Last night was my mother's birthday dinner. It was a great dinner. We had two of my favorite foods, corn on the cob and baked potatoes. I really love having big dinners with my family. There is always so much good food to eat. My family knows how to love food.
Dinners are also great because the people. We do not get together often enough. There are so many little conversations going on at the same time. I wanted to just sit and wait to hear people talk. There was just so much going on.
We took lots of pictures. We took so many pictures that we used all the up all of the patience the kids had. They did not want to stand still for the pictures. It is funny to think about all those pictures.
I do not know when I will get another night with my family like this.
When I had grown up in Pennsylvania I would hear people from other states talk about how Pennsylvania was so green. I never got what they were talking about. Now that I have lived in San Jose for almost four years, I can understand it. The hills to the east of Silicon Valley are so yellow. I do not go places with lots of leafy trees and green grass. It is all over the place around here.
Traveling Home
I still have a lot of friends who live in this area. On this trip home I will not see any of them. I am spending all the time seeing my family. Tonight I am playing cards with my parents. I feel that there is so much time I can just spend with my family. I see them so little, I would feel bad about cutting out on them.
I feel like I need to start going home for a longer period of time. If I want to see my family and my friends I have to take longer trips. I am thinking that I would need to spend 10 or more days here if I want to see everyone. This is not even counting the people I know in Harrisburg. Maybe I should take a whole month back here. I would be able to do anything I wanted. I would not have to worry about how I spend my time.
I flew Jet Blue back to the East Coast. They do not fly into Philadelphia, so I needed my sisters to pick me up at JFK. The fare was really cheap for being so last minute. It made it worth all the extra time.
This is the first time I have taken Jet Blue. One of their big marketing points is that it had DIRECTV on all its flights. The planes are Airbus A320’s. They have LCD screens in the back of the seats. There are about 20-some channels to choose from. I flew out here on the red-eye so there was not too much to watch. The choice of channels were pretty interesting, ESPN, Food Network, WNBC from New York, Headline News, and Discovery. I was surprised there was no TNN, HBO, TNT, USA, or FX. I wonder how they picked the channels.
One of the channels you can watch your plan on a map of the US. You can see how far across the country you are. This is one of the best things ever. You have some idea how much longer you will be in the air. I like the fact that I can say that I was thinking about Jeremy as I was over Chicago.
JFK
I landed at JFK airport in New York. This is one of the airports that you could not build now. It was built in the middle of wetlands. You could see all the water around it as we landed. There is something funny about the smell about JFK. I guess that is what you get when you mix swampland, body odor and jet fuel. This is what many people are greated by when they come to America.
I keep on thinking about its old name, Idyllwild. There is something special about names that are no longer used. It is like you are invoking something by using that name. The name was changed in the Sixties. I was told for a long time no one used the new name. People started to call it JFK when the FAA changed the Airport code to JFK. I wonder if the airport would be any different if they kept the old name.
When I got on the street outside of JFK, I knew I was no longer no longer on the East Coast. The air was thick and humid. It felt like I was swimming in the air. It was only 5:45 in the morning and it already felt like this. That is the East Coast that I remember.
Surprise
The whole idea was to surprise as many people as I could. Most of my sibling did not know I was coming. They were surprised to see me, but a little annoyed that they were not let in on it. They said they would have changed their plans if they knew. I know it might have been good to tell people, but I liked the idea of the surprise.
My mother was very surprised. My sister said she wanted to stand behind my mom so she did not fall over. I thought my sister was being over dramatic. That was until my mom walked in the door. My sister had to catch her. Mom loved the surprised. She was so happy to see me. It really made her day. She admitted that she was a little sad that I was not going to be there for her birthday.
Firsts
Today was the first time I have gotten to meet my niece Emily and my niece Rosemary. Emily is four years old and this is the first time I have gotten to meet her. It makes me think of how little I get to see my family. I have not seen my brother’s children in five years. That is what happens when you are halfway around the world from each other.
I am traveling back to Philadelphia. My goal is to surprise my Mother for her birthday. I talked to her on the phone last Wednesday. She sounded sad that I was not going to be there for her birthday. Everyone else is going to be there, even my brother who lives in Germany. I know that my mom really wanted to see all of her children and grandchildren together.
Now I am going to catch a flight that will arrive in New York at 5:30 in the morning. I will hang with the family for a few days. I will spend all the time with them. I will be back to San Jose before the weekend. Thank goodness for low dollar fares and red-eye flights. I just hope that nothing will screw this up.
Airport
Airport is a very American word. Airport has that ring of a word that was on a list and the marketing department chose the best one. It just seems like the kind of word an American would come up with. It is the kind of word that people in other languages just adopt.
I wonder what other worlds competed with Airport when that world started. It is the same idea as jeans and dungarees. What other terms did people come up with? The British called it an aerodrome until after World War II. I wonder if there is any way to figure this out. I wonder if there are any words better then airport out there.
High Speed
It cost $7 to access the wireless broadband at the Oakland Airport. It is really not worth it. I am only going to be here for the next 45 minutes. It looks like I will have to wait a while before I publish this.
Flight Mix
Wilco - Dash 7 Netural Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea Pavement - Hit the Plane Down Microphone - I'll Be In The Air Dead Milkmen - Air Crash Museum R.E.M - You're In The Air Richard Thompson - Jet Plane In A Rocking Chair Talvin Singh - Flight IC408 Jets To Brazil - Air Traffic Control Ben Folds Five - Air This Flight Tonight - Joni Mitchell Meryn Cadell - Flight Attendant
After every trip home, I have to ask myself the same questions. I have always enjoyed my trips home. I would not say that any of them have been a waste. This time I came back 29 and I am leaving 30. Warminster was a good place to celebrate my birthday. I knew there were people around for me to celebrate with. I knew my family would be there for me.
I feel when I go home that I do not have enough time there and I spend too much time there all at the same time. I feel I would like to spend more time with everyone. I would like to see everyone a couple of times before I have to leave. I also feel that I would rather my trips be quicker. The quicker the trip, the less work I have to do and the more people are willing to fit into my time frame.
I still love that area. I still have a draw in my heart to move back there. I would love to see my family more often. I would love to be part of my nephew Charlie's young life. I still have friends there. I feel that I could have current friendships with those friends that would not just be based on the past.
My question is, where am I going to work if I go back there? Will I be able to find a company I like as much as TiVo? Will I be able to find opportunities to succeed like I have in San Jose. How will I feel if I have to settle for a job I cannot stand? Why am I so unsure about getting a job I like?
What does it mean that I am willing trade off work for family? Why must it be a one or the other choice? What am I getting and what am I giving up? These are the questions that I will be thinking about a lot in the next few months.
I feel like I cannot go back yet. I feel there are still things I need to do in San Jose. I feel that I need to figure things out about what my life means and where it is going. I need to know these things before I move back to the Philadelphia area. I do not know these things I have the feeling I will be swallowed up but the people I know.
Today I had lunch with my sister Kathy today. I like the closeness I have with Kathy. I have a different relationship with each of my sisters. Kathy is the one I connect with most of the time. We spent a good time talking about her work and the law. The law fascinates me, in the way complex real world idea fascinate me. I like knowing things about the law, but I would never want to be involved with it.
After lunch I found a record store in Ambler. There used to be a really good one there, but it must have closed a while ago. The store I wet too had almost all used CDs. They were a lot of CDs that I used to own when I was in college. I could have bought a hundred of them, but I tried to limit myself to a few. I should take my chance to use the good CD stores in the area while I am home.
In the afternoon I went over to Ruth and Joe's house. I wanted a chance to see Charlie, Ruth, and Joe without other people around. I am never going to bond with Charlie if everyone else is always around. When I got there Charlie, Ruth and I played on their front porch. I will admit that I know nothing about toddlers. Charlie seems well behaved most of the time. We had to watch what we did in front of him and make sure we did not laugh when he did anything bad. I think that might be the hardest thing about discipline kids. Sometimes they do really bad things, but you just want to laugh a lot.
Later Dot stopped by. Dot and I took Charlie to the park so Ruth could get dinner started. I could tell that Charlie was starting to trust me. He was letting me take him in and out of the stroller. By the end of the trip to the park, Charlie was even asking me to take his hand. I could understand why I might scare him. It was nice that it did not take that long for him to warm up to me, but it did take a lot of work. After the park Ruth, Joe, Charlie and I had dinner. I stayed a while after dinner. Long enough that there was some time for Ruth and I to talk. If I did not go over to her house, we would have never had the chance to talk.
One of the reasons I would like to be closer to home is that I would like to be part of Charlie's Life. I am not going to be close to him if I am living on the west coast. I think he would not be afraid of me if I lived closer now. It is one of the pulls back to the east coast. I know there are a lot more things that I have to work on before I can move back there.
I was talking to my sister about Sad Salvation and writing. I told her the name and I had to explain it to her. I had to give her the disclaimer that web log is a lot more depressing then my actual life. For some reason I seem only to write about depressing things. Depressing writing seems to be what I excel at.
My sister thinks this is a bad sign. She was asking me why I cannot write about my happiness. This is a hard thing to explain. I seem to be able to deconstruct my unhappiness. I can pick it apart and look at each of the peices. I cannot do that with things that make me happy.
In the airport yesterday I was sitting near a family with two small children. One child was young enough to still believe in Santa Claus. The other must have been told there is no Santa. They younger of the two kinds was worried that Santa was not going to be able to find them this year since they were not going to be at home. The older son was about to speak up when his mother gave him that, "if you say something to spoil your brother's Christmas, I will think up something really bad to do to you" look. The mother assured her younger son that Santa has been doing this for a long time and he would be able to find them.
When I found out that I might have been lied to about Santa Claus I was a little broken up. I knew it had to be true, but I was still sad. My father took me aside then. I have never thought of my father as a sentimental man. There are a lot of things in this world he has no time for. At that time my father told me something I still think about to this day.
My father told me of course Santa Claus is real. If Santa Claus was not real, why would people break their back working overtime to buy good gifts for their families? If Santa Claus was not real, why would people go buy gifts for kids they do not even know? If Santa Claus was not real, why would so many people give to charity? If Santa Claus was not real, why would people put so much effort into parties for their friends? If Santa Claus was not real, why would people travel all the way a cross the country just to spend a few days with people they love? He told me the Santa Claus is in people's hearts not on the North Pole. I think about this just about every Christmas.
Christmas Is too close and I have too many things to do. I am going back to my hometown, Warminster PA, for Christmas this year. I feel like I have a lot of things to do before I go back. Too often I wait for the last minute before I do these things. I let way to many things go to the last minute.
I never feel ready for Christmas. It is always just a few days away in December. I think it is because I really do not get in the Christmas spirit. I do not do anything to get myself in the Christmas Spirit. I do not do any Christmas Crafts, decorate my apartment, or have Christmas parties. Maybe that is why I am having these feelings.
