I look at this photo and it reminds me how messy my apartment is right now. I know that there is not much in this photo. It just captures how my apartment feels to me. The box that these remotes are sitting on is full of remotes. I used to keep TiVo remotes like trophies. That got old three years go. Now they are just one more thing I should get rid of but cannot bring myself to let go of.
I cannot explain my life to other people because I am not sure I understand it myself. A lot lately I have been depressed when I get home from work. I am depressed because all I have to do is come home to my apartment. Most of the time when I leave work I know that I am going to be on my own. All my friends have lives that are wider then mine. I feel like I am trying to force myself on them half of the time.
I know there are ways I could be less lonely. I know there are ways I could fill up my evening so I did not feel this way all the time. I just have not been able to do these things. Part of me wants to just go back to my apartment and not worry about anything.
I am shy when it comes to meeting new people and too often I have to try to meet people on my own. I don't want feel comfortable trying to meet people at public events. I feel like I never really get to know anyone. I end up feeling worse when I leave then when I got there. It is not a good thing for me.
All of this sounds like whining. What does it mean when the things that depress you sounds like you are whining? I feel that I cannot talk to people about these things because they are almost silly. They have been still getting me down for the last couple of weeks. I just feel that all the gears are not fitting together right now.
I stepped into my apartment yesterday and for that first moment I was surprised. My apartment looked fresh and new to me. It was the opposite of deja vu. I felt like I had never been in it before, but I know I had passed though that doorway hundreds of times. I feel like these were brand new walls all around me.
This was a really good feeling. I like the idea of San Jose being fresh and new again. It is starting to feel more and more like home. It is at least my base. It is the place where I come back do. I never dread coming back. I wonder how long I will be able to keep this new feeling.
Most of my close friends rent. I wonder what that says about me and my friends. Some of my friends own houses or condos, but a lot of us seem to be destine to rent for a long time. It has a lot do with what we value and the mistakes we keep on making. Since we are renters, we should know something about renters rights. (There used to be a link here
My apartment is a mess right now, but it is not the kind of mess that it was before. It is that “I am going to have to deal with this stuff to clean it up,” mess. It looks like all the boxes I had around my apartment have all exploded. This mess feels better. It feels like I am getting somewhere. I start to have some ideas what it will take to truly get this apartment in good shape.
The bad thing is that I am not the type of person that can do this all in one night. My apartment will still be messy when this weekend ends. I cannot keep myself working on it for all that long. I am too easily distracted. There are a lot of other things I want to do with my time. My apartment is getting better, but it will be a while before other people think it is in good shape.
There is something very therapeutic about cleaning an apartment. I have to think about a lot of ideas that I have not thought about in a long time. Cleaning my apartment is like cleaning up the last couple years of my life.
I resolve to clean up and organize my apartment and keep it until the end of 2002.
I know this does not seem like much of a resolution, but most of you have not seen my apartment. My apartment currently falls under no less then three different categories of mess.
1. Clutter - Clutter is the physical manifestation of procrastination. We build up clutter because we do not want to deal with that physical object at that moment. We do not want to take the time to do the task that will organize it in our life.
2. Disorganization - I have not been very organized since I moved into this apartment. I have not build a system to deal with things like bank statements, CD cases, books, credit card receipts, and most other things I need to keep. I have had this problem ever since I left Portland. I think that I have had "I might leave this city at any time" attitude. This had kept me from doing things like buying furniture. I am not resolved to stay in San Jose and in this apartment for another year. This means I can go out and buy things like book cases and a dresser.
3. Pack Ratting - I received a Microwave as a gift last Christmas. I still have that box in my apartment. Maybe I should be keeping the boxes of everything I buy if I had someplace to store them. I live in a studio apartment. I think I should get rid of some of these boxes now. They are just filling up my apartment.
On top of these things my apartment could use a good cleaning also. I am set to work on these things in 2002. I have already started to plan on ways I can improve these things.
In my last entry I just told everyone I was going to a basketball game. This is the same as telling people I am going to be out of my apartment. I wonder if anyone could read Sad Salvation and decide to rob my apartment? I have a slight fear of coming back to my apartment and everything being gone. I wonder if I might accidentally lead people do that to me? Does anyone else have this fear?
I have not been getting out of my apartment for the last couple of weeks. When I do get out of my apartment, I have been leaving San Jose. I have not been sticking around my neighborhood. I have been driving and not walking. It almost feels like I have been avoiding San Jose.
It is strange to say that I am avoided the place where I live. I come here every night. I spend hours on end in this city. The difference is that I have not been getting out to see the town lately. I cannot tell you why I have been avoiding my town. I just do not feel like kicking around the streets.
I have a complex relationship with San Jose. On one hand I am a fan of the underdog. San Jose is an underdog city. People make fun of San Jose all the time. Lots of people act like they are too good for San Jose. I want to see the city do well so it can shed this image.
On the other hand I think San Jose is kind of boring. I think there are a lot of things this city is missing. For having almost a million people, San Jose feels more like a suburb. I got my hair cut on Monday. I was I was sitting the chair watching the woman cut my hair. I was thinking that I was never planning on living in San Jose. It just kind of happened. I keep on thinking that my destiny is in another city.
After the holidays I will have to make more of an effort to hang out in Downtown San Jose. I will have to try to find ways to have my friends come down here also. I need to hand out with people and bring them to my neighborhood.
On Saturday night I had an odd dream. In the dream I was talking with a man I work with Stephen. Stephen was working on his laptop like he always does. We were talking about housing in the bay area. He told me that I was not looking had enough. If I looked hard enough I could find a condo for $150,000. He told me to search on the internet.
I know this does not sound like an odd dream. The odd thing is that two bedroom condos in San Jose start at $300,000. In the real world people would laugh at the idea I could find an Condo at 150K. The problem is that 150K is really the most that I could afford. The dream was odd because it was so normal. I usually do not have these kinds of plan conversations in dreams.
Today I looked on the internet for Condos. I did find Condos for 150K. The problem is those condos are 70 miles away from where I work. I decided a long time ago that I do not want to commute more then an hour to work every day. I do not want to anything more then an hour is adding too much extra time to my day. Even if I am not doing anything else with that time, I do not want to be in my car.
I think I know why I was having this dream. I am currently paying $900 a month rent for a studio apartment. I have recently had three conversations about people buying houses. I know that my money is not working for me by renting. I am getting to the age when I should think about buying a house. I know that I should work toward this goal.
The problem is that I am so unready to own a house. I am bad at the way I spend my money. I actually refer to myself as being in Drunken Sailor mode when it comes to spending money. I know nothing about how to buy a house. I know nothing about what kinds of things I would be responsible for. I have nowhere near the money it would take for a down payment.
Maybe I need to start to live my life like I want to own a home someday.
For weeks now, long before TiVo had layoffs, I have been thinking about reducing the amount of possessions that I own. I am starting to feel weighted down by the things that I own. I live in a studio apartment, but it will be increasingly hard for me to move from my apartment in the future. I feel that I am getting too attached to these things.
I know there are good and bad results from getting attached to possessions. I know that sometimes, attachment to possessions can help root you in a place. It can help focus you on the maintenance of that place. Those are currently two things that I do not have. I am not focused and I am not attached. I am not sure that my possessions will help me do this.
The down side of my possessions is that they tend to close me in. My possessions make me want to go and buy more possessions. They draw me to them and help me waste my time. I really do not need any more help to waste my time. I am good at wasting my time as it is right now. My possessions give me short-term enjoyment at the cost of long term accomplishment.
I am not sure when I am going to move from this apartment. It might be as soon as early next year. If I leave this apartment I will have to think about getting rid of some of my stuff. If I leave San Jose, I will think about getting rid of a great deal of my possessions. I want to think about this now while I can make a good choices. It makes me wish that I could live without owning anything. The only way I can do this is by becoming a priest. I still need to find simpler ways to live.
