Being Gone
I have been gone for a long time. I have been here the whole time, but in many ways I have been gone. The connection had been cut and I have been like a kite in the updraft. Still in the air, but not under control.
I would like to blame work for all my time away. I have been on one of those projects that people can lose themselves in. I have been headlong diving into it. There is more work for me to do then I could ever get done. I can even see the places where I could work harder.
I know that work is just an excuse. I know that working is something that is easy to put effort into and do well. I know what the goals are and I know when I am succeeding. The rest of life is not that easy. I do not get reviews for how well I use my time after work and on the weekend. I am the only person that gets to manage those things.
Over the last few weeks I have felt lost. I am lost in those moments when I have to depend on myself. I am lost in those moments of personal leadership. I am lost when I am alone. Those are the moments that I should be writing or creating. The problem is that it is hard to look at myself when I am lost. If I do not know where I am, I am not sure what I can express to another person.
“It is all building up to something. Something that can only be redeemed with fire”
- Pete Townshend
Outside of work, I cannot figure out where my life is going. I can figure out what I should be building and what I should be working toward. Who will I be in one year, five years, or ten years? What should I be doing now to make that person real?
I feel that I have wasted a lot of time in my life. That makes me start to feel old. I know that 30 years old is not old, but I feel underachieved for 30. I feel that there are some tar pits in my life and I not finding ways out of them. At 40 will I still be living in an apartment complaining about how I cannot afford to buy a house?
The bad thing is my answer to these feelings. I have been running away from them. I have been numbing my time with television and consumerism. I have been hiding from myself by letting time wash over me. I have been avoiding the idea of writing and creating anything.
Where do I go from here? How do I not feel lost? How do I find that thing in me that will allow me to write and be honest here? I am not sure I can answer any of those questions. I guess I need to try.
