I cannot explain my life to other people because I am not sure I understand it myself. A lot lately I have been depressed when I get home from work. I am depressed because all I have to do is come home to my apartment. Most of the time when I leave work I know that I am going to be on my own. All my friends have lives that are wider then mine. I feel like I am trying to force myself on them half of the time.
I know there are ways I could be less lonely. I know there are ways I could fill up my evening so I did not feel this way all the time. I just have not been able to do these things. Part of me wants to just go back to my apartment and not worry about anything.
I am shy when it comes to meeting new people and too often I have to try to meet people on my own. I don't want feel comfortable trying to meet people at public events. I feel like I never really get to know anyone. I end up feeling worse when I leave then when I got there. It is not a good thing for me.
All of this sounds like whining. What does it mean when the things that depress you sounds like you are whining? I feel that I cannot talk to people about these things because they are almost silly. They have been still getting me down for the last couple of weeks. I just feel that all the gears are not fitting together right now.
1. Where are you right now? Sitting at my computer in my apartment. I might as well be on the moon, I have not seen anyone all day
2. What have you lost recently? Each day I loose a little hope. I find it again in large bunches. I cannot remember the last phyical thing I lost.
3. What was the first CD you ever purchased? Does that embarrass you now? I am not sure I can remember. I got my first CD player as a Christmas gift when I was a senion in high school. The Hooters - Zig Zag was the first CD that I owned, but it was a gift. I bought a CD that Christmas break, but I cannot remember what it was. I remember that I ordered 8 CDs for a penny from Columbia House, not too long after getting the CD player. I remember some of the CDs I ordered:
Boris Grebenshikov - Radio Silence Big Audio Dynamite - Megatop Phoenix Bonham - Disregard of Timekeeping Kate Bush - Sensual World Bob Dylan - Oh Mercy
Of all these CDs, Oh Mercy was the only one I still owned at the end of my first year in college. I am not embarrassed that I owned any of these albums then, but some of them were not very good. None of them are in my collection now.
4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen? Black Papermate Flexgrip Ultra. If not that then Black Papermate Med. Pt. I am a fan of black ballpoint pens.
5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Anything that had brownies mixed into it. There are about 10 flavors that currently fall into this category.
This used to be a huge holiday for me. There were a few years in a row where I made a point to really celebrate Independence Day. I wanted to go out and declare something about myself. I wanted to prove I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted. This year I am just sitting around and trying not to spend money.
I wonder if Independence Day is not as special because the idea of independence is no longer something that I cling to. At one time I felt that I needed more independence in my life. I felt that it was an idea that I should celebrate. Now I have more then enough independence. I am looking for things in my life that will make me connected to other people. I am looking for things that will demand of me and make me less independence. Maybe that is why the day has lost something for me.
I am looking for advice from my friends. My friends know me pretty well. I think they might know how I might screw up going out for drinks with a woman. Someone told me "just be your charming self." My problem is that when I am nervous, my charming self can turn into my annoying self. You guys know me, what traps should I avoid? What conversations should I stay away from? What should I keep an eye on?
I was at a coffee house today and a man was saying that any Christian that tries to convert other people is Soul Terrorist. I disagreed with him, but it is an interesting idea.
I purchased $200 worth of shirts Sunday. I have not purchased any clothing since last October. This is how I always treat my wardrobe. I buy a whole bunch of clothing and do not think about it again until things start falling apart. I think this say something about I show myself to the world.
1.) What do you find most troubling about your way of life? The lack of effort I put into many day to day things like cooking and cleaning. I am also worried about how well I can waste time.
2.) What is your prescription (non psychotropic), or outlet for dealing with stress and anxiety? Alone time, asking people for advice, and laughing at myself. A combination of these three help with most stressful situations. If you add in this a tad of apathy, you can handle anything.
3.) What's the real reason you get up every morning? Because the world will not come to me. I am not sure staying in bed will make it any better.
There is a woman at work who I have had a little bit of a crush on for months. I kept on telling myself that I should make some kind of move. After months of tripping over my tongue and not taking advantage of chances, I finally asked her to go out for drinks with me after work sometime. She said yes without any hesitation.
I pushed right then to set a date. In the past I had made the mistake of asking someone out and never following up on it. If I was going to make mistakes, I am going to make new ones. The mistake I made was agreeing to go out for drinks after work this Friday. I did not realize at the time that we have off this Friday. So today we reset the date to be the following Friday.
It is kind of odd, but I am get a little scared with things do not click like this. I am always worried it is a bad sign. In the past I thought I missed out on relationships because we just stumbled through the beginning.
I should not be so down. We have a date set and that is cool. Who knows what will happen. I am just happy that I worked up the courage to do something. I have wasted too much time trying not to fail already.
I am finally out of backdate hell. I have caught up to real time. I no longer have to worry about getting entries from the past in before going forward. We will see if I can pull that out. In the last two days I have caught up from June 7 to today. You will have to hit a couple of archive pages to not miss anything.
I want to try to write an entry everyday in July without backdating any of them.
Last night Jason threw a party in honor of one of his college friends. It was a party filled mostly with people I do not know. I really drank last night. I had a lot of beer in a short period of time. I did not know most of the people so it was easy to drink. It has been a long time since I have drank myself to oblivion. It has to go back to when I was living in Pennsylvania. I have tried at times, but I just could not do it. I always stop before I am really that drunk.
I should define what I mean by drinking myself to oblivion. It is drinking to the point where nothing makes sense. It is drinking to the point where it is just really good to be drunk. It is drinking to the point where you are going to have to sleep a while before you sober up. It is sleep where you are because DUI is really a downer, drunk. Drinking to oblivion is the way I used to drink when I was in college and 18 years old.
Last night I was on the way to drinking myself to oblivion. I noticed that when other people were drinking, I was right there with them. When we were playing games and drinking a lot, I was not to be out done. I was sucking down beers at a great rate. I think I finished one bottle in under ten minutes. I was drinking like it was the old days.
Before I got to oblivion, everyone else seemed to stop. Once everyone else stopped, I could no longer drink at that pace. It seemed like I was doing something wrong to try to keep drinking like that. I lost my heart to drink when I was drinking alone. I guess I am lucky that is how I feel. I wonder how my life would be if I could drink to oblivion while I was alone.
