I have been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with a woman while I was in Philadelphia. The conversation was complex and had its roots in ideas that have been kicking around for a long time. I want to try to write something that will explain as much as I can. I think it is important for me to do this. It will help me in the long run.
There is a woman who I am very close with. Anyone knows me would know who she is, but I will leave her name off this entry for search engine reasons. I have known this woman for a long time. I will refer to her as the Unnamed Woman. She is one of my closest friends. There has always been a special connection between us, but never anything romantic. Shortly after I met her, I developed a crush on her. She was always dating someone, so I never got a chance to express that crush. By the time I said anything she was falling into a serous relationship.
The Unnamed Woman’s relationship lasted several years. By the time that relationship ended we lived a couple hundred miles away from each other. We were still close, but never in the same city. She had a couple more relationships after that, but they all seemed to fall apart because of something. By the time she had moved back to Philadelphia, I had already made my escape to the West Coast.
I had not thought much about the Unnamed Woman romantically for a while. She had visited me with her boyfriend in 2000. The guy seemed nice so was easy for me to shelf any feelings I might have had for her. Shortly after their visit to San Jose she broke up with her boyfriend.
In November of 2000 I was sitting in a bar in Indianapolis. I was on a business trip with a co-worker who was not happy about her job. We passed the time be talking about a lot of different things. We talked a lot about relationships. There were a number of women in the office that I was interested in. We talked about whom I found attractive. I had the feeling I had no shot with these women.
I said that I have always had the feeling that if a woman had the chance to see the true me and really connect with me, my weight would not be an issue. A woman who knew my heart would be able to see how much love I have to give.
The moment these words came out of my mouth, I knew it was a lie. The Unnamed Woman knew me as well as about anyone. She knew what was in my heard. She had seen me at my best. I thought that it was still my weight that kept us from having a relationship.
At that very moment I was angry. It was a deep and encompassing anger. I was angry with the Unnamed Woman and with myself. I was angry with her because of all the horrible men she had dated. I would keep on hearing about these men. It was almost like she was in a pattern of self-destruction. I was always there but she would rather destroy herself.
I was also angry with myself. I had let myself believe a lie. I had hoped to find a woman that could look past my body. I was hoping to find this even though I not found one for a long time. Even the woman who knows me the best could not do this. How could I hope that any other woman would be able to do this?
I carried this around with me. I saw the Unnamed Woman a few weeks later, but I did not say anything to her. I did not think it would be fair to her. I felt like I would be ambushing her. It was not clear in my head how I felt about all these things. I wanted a better idea before I said anything to her.
It is hard to talk about these things when you live in a different city then the woman. I did not want to do it in a letter. I wanted some idea of her direct reaction to my ideas. The phone is not the right place to tell her. I want her to be able to look into my eyes as I tell her. It is hard to tell them when you are on a visit. You have the chance to ruin the whole visit. It is really hard when your visits are only near holidays. You could be the person that ruins the holiday.
I did not say anything and I carried it with me. It kept on bumping around in the back of my head. I talked to some of my friends about this. I had decided that I really did not want to tell her over the phone. I figured I had to tell her sometime. If I did not I would be lying to her. It is never good to lie to your close friends.
One of my friends asked me to figure out what I am trying to achieve by telling the Unnamed Woman what I felt. He wanted me to make sure I was not doing it to just lash out at her. It took me a long time to figure this out. I am not sure I figured it out, but I knew I was not doing it out of anger.
I had decided that I was not going to do it on the phone, unless I had to. When I say I have to, I mean that if I did not tell her I would be lying to her. From time to time she will ask me what I am thinking or how I am feeling. I wanted to tell her the truth instead of making something up.
It was near the end of the summer by this time. The Unnamed Woman had a few bad relationships during the year. It hurt me to see her do self-destructive things. It hurt me to see her freak out over guys. Whenever she would tell me something like that I want to tell her to just relax.
I was not feeling all that good at about this time. I was feeling isolated and alone. I felt like San Jose was a bit of a trap. All of my friends out here were busy with other things. I felt like there was no one for me to hang out with. I was calling Unnamed Woman just about every week. We would talk on the phone for a few hours. It felt good to talk to her. She was someone who was always happy to hear from me.
One week she asked me if there was anything wrong. She pointed out that I had been calling every week. In the past we had not talked that much. I talked to her about different things that where bothering me. I forget what she said, but she probed a little deeper. At this point I told her what was on my mind. I remember that she was a little shocked when I told her.
That night we talked a lot. I have to admit that I don’t remember everything that was said. I did not remember everything ten minutes after the call was over. The gist of the call was that I told the Unnamed Woman that I have some level of feelings for her, but I was confused. It hurt to see all the heart ache she caused herself. I felt that I had to tell her is because it was something I was carrying around with me.
The Unnamed Woman told me that she had thought about these things before I said anything. She said that on one hand she would not have to put up with all the dating crap if she was with me, but on the other hand maybe it would be a little too safe. Maybe she would be doing just to avoid the hard parts of dating.
For the most part, after that call we did not talk about it again. It was decided that we both needed to think about it for a little while. We both avoided the subject. I had decided that I was not going to bring it up until I saw her face to face. I thought that would be the best way to handle it.
There was a point at the end of October when I thought I might get laid off. I talked to the unnamed woman about my options. She told me that she did not think it would be good for me to move further away from home. The Unnamed Woman said I should think about moving closer to my family and her. I wondered if she was trying to tell me anything. Was I reading too much into this or was she sending me messages.
I hung out with the Unnamed Woman over Christmas. These ideas where really burning in my head. I had to talk to her about them. I was thinking about them so much that I felt like I was keeping another secret from her.
We hung out on Saturday afternoon. My plan was to talk to her about these things at about 4 PM. I could not say anything until 5 PM because I had to work up the courage to say anything. I knew she was not going to laugh in my face, but there was a big part of me that did not want to ask because I thought the results might be harsh.
A friend told me to make sure I know what my objectives are before I say anything. He told me if I go in just saying it to say it or if I do not know why I am saying it, I have a good chance of coming off as a prick. That was not my objective at all. I had thought long and hard about why I was saying it and what I was trying to achieve.
I had three questions for the Unnamed Woman.
What could I expect if I moved back to Philadelphia?
Could she ever see herself dating me?
What was in her mind about all this?We talked for about an hour. I will tell you now that I do not remember everything that was said. The conversation was about her feeling and my feeling on the topic. While I do not remember every word that was said, I have a pretty good feeling that I understand what we both communicated.
The Unnamed Woman seemed to be a little worried about the whole thing. She had the basic feeling that a relationship between the two of us would be unhealthy. She is worried that we only think about this when there is no one else in our lives. She was worried that we were just safety blankets for each other. If I moved Back to Philadelphia I would use her so I did not need to meet other people.
She was also worried that she would be my first serous relationship. I have not had any kind of real romantic relationship since college. She does not think she is the right person to have a first serous relationship with. She said that it would be a huge responsibility. Somewhere in my head I was feeling that it would be unfair to her because she would be my first serous relationship.
The Unnamed Woman was also worried what the relationship would be like. She would feel bad if there were no spark there. She had a big question of passion. I told her that thought my whole life I feel that I have to keep my passion under control. I have never been in a position where I could let my passion free. I know that I have always had to control it in terms of her.
I told the Unnamed Woman that I am just as confused as she is. I know that I connect with her really well. I know that I think about her all the time. I know that the day that I felt the world might have ended, she was the first person I thought about. I wondered if she was okay and if I would ever see her again.
There is part of me that says that all of her resistance to this is a good thing. I admit that I might be doing this because I am lonely and I know few females in San Jose. I might be doing this because every other female I know has pushed me to a distance. If any of these things were my true motivation, my relationship with the Unnamed Woman would be a disaster.
She had answered my three questions.
What could I expect if I moved back to Philadelphia? Expect nothing
Could she ever see herself dating me? Probably not
What was in her mind about all this? A mind full of worryBonus Answer:
Don’t look for deeper meaning in what she says.What do I do now? That is my currently question. I have to do more then just move on from this idea. I feel that I need to empty my heart the same way a Buddhist empties himself of desire. If I empty my heard I will be able to see the world more clearly. Once I do that I can understand everything around me better.
Labels: philadelphia, relationship, self, women
