Welcome to Sad Salvation. Day by day by day by day ... this is my attempt to make sense of the world.

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Saturday, November 10, 2001

Living Forever

I act as if I am immortal. I flirt with an odd kind of danger. The danger of a ticking clock. In some ways, it is the worst kind of danger I can deal with.

When I say I act as if I am immortal, I do not mean that I do really stupid things. I do not drive at 100 mph, do large piles of drugs, or throw my body off builds hoping my parachute opens. When I say I act as if I am immortal, I mean that I waste way too much of my own time. I act as if my clock will never run out and I have an unlimited amount of time to get things done in my life.

There are a million things that I want to. My brain is overflowing with ideas. I feel that there is a whole world of things that I could accomplish. I still do none of these thing. I let time pass like it is never going to run out. I tell myself that there will be more time for me to do everything else later.

I guess there is a weird perception thing going on here. As long as I have been alive I have been able to procrastinate. Most of the time there have been no real consequences. I have been able to finesse my way out of all those situations. Since I do not see the end of my own life, I am not worried about time running out on me.

The other hard thing is that I am the only person that cares if I do these things or not. If I never write a novel, no one will be ashamed of me. If I never clean my apartment no one will get on my case. I am the only person that cares, so my deadlines just keep on slipping. I will start this projects some other time. I will work on them when I have more energy. I will be able to focus when I am not so tied up in work. I keep on telling myself these things.

I know that time in the most precious thing in the world. I treat it like the clock will never run out. I waste my time in ways that would make other people sick. I still find new ways to numb myself to the passage of that time. I keep on telling myself that these moments will never come back after I waste them. That still does not stop me.

I write this entry because I am really scared. I am scared I am just going to late my life waste away in front of me. I am scared because I cannot find what it will take for me to get off my ass and do these things. I hope that I do not lose this battle. I hope I get going before time runs out.

Labels: health, life

- Rich, 12:06 AM |

Friday, November 09, 2001

Thinking About My Job

I had lunch with my friend Don today. Don is also employed at TiVo. We have lunch about once a week. We have been trying to have lunch since the layoffs have come down. This is the first chance that we have had to get together because how crazy our worlds have been.

I told Don about my four ideas of what I might do if I get laid off. I told him about the merits of each of the choices. He told me to stop thinking about all of it. I am just going to waste a lot of mental energy for something that might not happen. There is a good chance that anything I do will not effect the way these decisions are made. I am just going to drive myself crazy thinking about these things.

He also told me that I should not worry about looking for another job now. I like working for TiVo. I like the company, even if I do not always like my job. There is a chance that I could still be with the company when we come out on the other side of the. The worst thing for me to do is pull the rip cord now. I should wait for them to lay me off. Then I can decide what I can do.

One thing is that I should stop spending my money like a drunken sailor. I should try to keep as much of my cash as I can. The more cash I have the more choices I have later. This is going to hard. I always seem to spend all the money I have. I have never been good about saving money. I like to spend more then I have. I will have to do what I can and tighten my belt for when that day might come. Until that day comes I am going to try to relax. I think I have better ideas about what I might do since I was close to that position already.

Labels: Don D., TiVo, work

- Rich, 6:03 PM |

Thursday, November 08, 2001

Portland Day

Welcome to Portland Day! It was three years ago that I arrived in Portland. It was my big move from Philadelphia to the West Coast. The trip took me eight days with a couple stops along the way. When I got to Portland I went to Riverfront Park and threw my key chain in the river. I took my keys car keys off it first. My parent's house keys are somewhere at the bottom of the Willamette River. I confider Portland Day to be my own private holiday.

I am a person who thinks it is important to celebrate anniversary's. It is a good way to remind ourselves how quickly time passes. I think that we miss the passage of time if we are careful. I am always amazed at swiftly the world around me changes. From my point of view it seems like nothing changes. I need to slow down and look around to see those changes.

It is hard for me to tell the people around me here in Silicon Valley why today is important to me. It was a huge jump when I moved to Portland. I was moving to a city where I did not know anyone, did not have a job, and did not have a place to stay. I was just going to take a chance that I would be able to find something. I was shedding all the comforts of Warminster to look for adventure.

The people that know me now did not know me then. When I was still in Warminster my life was going nowhere. I was working a job I hated. I was working for a company that offered me no future. All of my really close friends had already moved on to other cities. There was nothing tying me to that area anymore. I knew that I had to leave that town.

I packed up everything that I owned and moved to the West Coast. It is now three years later and I am still here. I can say that the move was successful. I was able to find a job. I found jobs that I could build one on top of another. I have been able to build some kind of life. It is not the live that I pictured in my dreams, but it is not my worst nightmares either.

For the last couple of days I have been e-mailing some of the people I knew in Portland. One of them told me I should move back there. There is something about Portland that still holds a place in my heart. I often find myself missing that city. I miss the things I could do while I was there. I miss the things I could do with my time and the places I could go.

If I had to move back to Philadelphia, I would not be defeated. My tail would not be between my legs as I made my way back. Part of me would like to find a way to really move back Philadelphia. I miss my family and friends. I miss a lot of little things about the area.

I do not know where I will be this time next year. I might be here in San Jose in the same job, in the same apartment I sit in right now. I might have fled San Jose for another city. I might be back in Philadelphia trying to figure out the next direction my life might take. The world is still a wide open place. I can only guess what the next year has for me.

Labels: move, philadelphia, Portland, warminster, warminster PA, west coast

- Rich, 9:04 PM |

Wednesday, November 07, 2001

I should write something

I feel like I should write something today. Everything I can think of seems a bit lame. I have a couple ideas that I have been kicking around in my head for a few days, but none of them have really come together. I cannot focus one writing. I cannot focus on the ideas in my head.

This has always been one of my problems with writing. I cannot focus on what I should be doing. I am told that writers should write everyday. Even if they do not have anything to write, they should still write everyday. The point of Sad Salvation is that I will write everyday. I have a list of ideas to write about, but I just cannot lock onto any of them.

I think that I am filling my mind with too much garbage. I watched at least two hours of television tonight. That cannot be any good for me. I am always watching too much TV. I work for a company that makes it easier to watch TV.

I am just going to pack it in tonight. I hope I can avoid this in the future.

Labels: blog, sadsalvation, television, writers block, writing

- Rich, 10:35 PM |

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

Hanging over my head

There is a chance that I will be looking for a new job in the first quarter next year. There is a chance that my position at TiVo will no longer be there. This is really scary to me. I cannot talk about too many of the details. What I do know is that I have the chance to survive the next round of layoffs. There is also a clear chance that my job will no longer exist.

This hangs over my head like the Sword of Damocles. At work I am trying to make sure I survive. When I am on the job I can focus on working. When I come home I start to think about my future. I start to think about what my life is going to be like if I get laid off. When I think about getting laid off, this is when I panic. I really do not want to be looking for another job right now.

I am in an odd position when I am looking for a job. My current position is Customer Service Engineer. If I tell people my title they do not understand it right away. I am the person that goes between the Engineering department and the Customer Support department. I am the person that makes the information flow both directions.

The problem with my job is that it is a hard job to find in another organization. Most of the time you cannot just walk into a job like mine in another organization. I do not want to go back to being a phone support rep again. I think I have burned myself out from doing that. I know that there are other things that I could do. I just have not figured those things out yet.

I am regarded well at my job. I know people and I feel that I have a good reputation. I do not want to lose any of these things. For once in my life I am at a company that is fun to work at. As long as it is fun to work at TiVo, I do not want anyone to show me the door. I am not sure how I am going to get around that. I know now is the time I have to work hard and make sure people want me kept around.

Labels: job, Sword of Damocles, TiVo, work

- Rich, 11:01 AM |

Monday, November 05, 2001

Change to Life

For weeks now, long before TiVo had layoffs, I have been thinking about reducing the amount of possessions that I own. I am starting to feel weighted down by the things that I own. I live in a studio apartment, but it will be increasingly hard for me to move from my apartment in the future. I feel that I am getting too attached to these things.

I know there are good and bad results from getting attached to possessions. I know that sometimes, attachment to possessions can help root you in a place. It can help focus you on the maintenance of that place. Those are currently two things that I do not have. I am not focused and I am not attached. I am not sure that my possessions will help me do this.

The down side of my possessions is that they tend to close me in. My possessions make me want to go and buy more possessions. They draw me to them and help me waste my time. I really do not need any more help to waste my time. I am good at wasting my time as it is right now. My possessions give me short-term enjoyment at the cost of long term accomplishment.

I am not sure when I am going to move from this apartment. It might be as soon as early next year. If I leave this apartment I will have to think about getting rid of some of my stuff. If I leave San Jose, I will think about getting rid of a great deal of my possessions. I want to think about this now while I can make a good choices. It makes me wish that I could live without owning anything. The only way I can do this is by becoming a priest. I still need to find simpler ways to live.

Labels: apartment, layoffs, life, posessions, San Jose, TiVo, work

- Rich, 10:38 PM |

Sunday, November 04, 2001

Back Dating

The program that I use for this web log, Blog 5.0, allows me to back date entries. This means I can publish a few days of entries at the same time. I will admit that I back date entries a little. I think it is a good idea, but it is something that I could abuse. I am always taking notes for entries that I want to write. Sometimes I like the time that is needed to make the notes into something worth reading. I want to avoid abusing back dating entries.

I have decided to add back dating rules. I seem to want to keep to the rules I set for Senseless Banter. I know that no one is going to enforce the rules but me. They are still something worth trying. I think it is my pride that will have to enforce the rules.

Here are a crack at the rules I am going to try to live by.

1. When I am in San Jose, I can only back date an entry five days.
2. I will only back date and entry when I had the idea for the entry on that day.
3. I will take every attempt to write entries everyday I plan to write.
4. When I am on vacation I can back date all of those entries.
5. I will not back date before the last published entry.

It feel important for me to have these rules.

Labels: back dating, blog, rules, sadsalvation

- Rich, 3:44 PM |

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